Thursday, 2 May 2013

This little corner of the internet.

"It's incredibly comforting to know that as long as you don't create anything in your life, then nobody can attack the thing you created." - David Wong, 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person

This little corner of the internet is mine. I have staked it out with my own hands.

If the internet were a physical space, a garden, this would be a 1m x 1m allotment I had somehow acquired for free by merely asking for it. I would be tending it every few days, talking to the grass, planting rainbow flags in the corners, telling anyone who came to look for me that this is mine. Amazingly, some people would come to look at my little space in the allotment, and I'd smile and tell them that this is mine. I created this. It's not much, but I can safely say it belongs to me.

We scoff at people with ideas, don't we? We roll our eyes, and say "sure, like THAT will happen". We're so quick to destroy other people with drive and ambition, and I feel like it's because, on the inside, we all think we're lacking that.

I have no drive. I have been trying to write a politics essay for seven hours. I was literally given the paragraph headings, and yet I haven't managed to write into the gaps. I have no drive to do that because it's important. I'll have to hand it in, and get a mark for it, and the chances are it won't be as good a mark as I want. And instead of thinking about how I should have worked harder to get that grade, I'll just sigh and tell myself that's what I get for doing anything. I have to deal with the gulf between what I hoped for and what really happened, and that's disappointing? And the easiest way to not have that gulf is to, uh, not do anything.

If you don't do anything, it can't get ruined.

This is my corner of the internet. This is basically my diary, except that it's in a public place so I can't yell at my brother for violating my privacy if he reads it (though I never kept a diary as a child, so I never had to deal with him doing that). Sure, there are some people I would rather wouldn't read this, but I can't stop them. And they can't stop me from writing.

The very act of creating anything is so important. It's a contribution to society. It's why I think girls are kind of indoctrinated into the world of baking from a young age: you are taught that by contributing, and giving things to other people, you will receive love. And while the baking thing does have a gender skew and sexism and stereotypes of femininity and a woman's supposedly natural role all rolled into it, the priniciple is the same: we are only worth as much as we can give to others. (For reference, I didn't bake much as a child as my mother hates it, but over the past two years I've become FUCKING AMAZING at it.)

I am giving you my words. I am giving you my thoughts. I'm aware that they aren't very good, but I am trying. I am producing something new. This blog post has been written by thousands of other people with exactly the same sentiments, but this is new. Because this is my take on it. I'm very lucky that I've never had any negative comments on here; I'm all too aware of the backlash you can suffer simply by being someone (especially - gasp - a WOMAN!) on the internet, with opinions. In other places I've been called an "angry lesbian", a walking cliche, a privileged hipster trust fund kid. I've been called dirty and unhygenic and lazy for admitting I don't shave particularly regularly. They are accusations levelled at me for what I am, or perceived to be. Not because of what I do.

But at least I try. At least I produced something for you to use to insult me. If I hadn't have tried, I wouldn't be in this position.

So come on, come at me bro. Come to my allotment. Kick my flowers. Pick my fruit off all the sapling trees and trample it into the ground. Snap my twigs. You can't stop the fact I created these things in the first place.

This little corner of the internet is mine, and I've invited you to come have a look around. Come in, have a look around; and if you don't like it, get your own garden. Grow your own words there. I hear it's free. All it costs is a little time.

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